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SCENE ONE OFFICE
SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS IN THE ROOM.
MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A TALK WITH HER.
MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW.
MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY IN.
FRANKLIN: HAVE A SEAT.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS AND SITS IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL THE SCHOOL.
YES, I DID.
MISS PUNK!
PRINCIPAL MISS BRIGGS!
MISS IM CALM.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH
FRANKLIN BREAKS OUT LAUGHING.
MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS?
WELL, I
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT.
PRINCIPAL I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS?
CARLY: WELL, IF YOU THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL
CARLY AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN ARGUING.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS.
CARLY: MY FATHERS STATIONED IN EUROPE NOW.
FRANKLIN: HES IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: WELL MUST BE SOME ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER!
MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER.
MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
CARLY: HES A ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE
BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR.
CARLY: YEAH, HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY.
BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE!
CARLY:
MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT.
CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY!
BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE.
CARLY: AW, ON!
MISS BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
RHINOCEROS.
MISS BRIGGS: (YELLING AND TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
RIGHT.
CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.

SCENE TWO MAIN
SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER.
LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY SORRY!
IM SORRY.
SAM: NOW ARE YOU SORRY FOR?
KID: FOR YOURE IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND HER EYES.
SAM: AND AM I AGAIN?
PRETTY AND SWEET.
SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT
CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAMS HAIR TO HER LOCKER.
OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
(ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU!
SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE ME.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) HERES AN IDEA.
SAM:
(ANGRY AGAIN) STOP DOING BAD THINGS!
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO!
ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD.
SAM: WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY FRIEND!
CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU
WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
SAM: BECAUSE IM A PERSON!

SCENE THREE CARLYS
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE.
FREDDIE: YOU THIS!
TAKES THE WATER BOTTLE.
UH, THANKS. BUT YOU
FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I FIND YOU. HEY!
FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME?
(LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
FREDDIE.
YES.
CARLY: I WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING.
FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING THAT CONSTANT PAIN.
OH GOD.
CARLY WALKS TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND.
FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS.
CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS.
PULLS OUT HIS PHONE.
FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS.
CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE.
FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT!
CARLY OPENS HER AND RUNS INSIDE.
IM HOME.
HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY UP AT THE CEILING.
SPENCER: IM SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE!
SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT AND TAKES A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD.
YOURE SAYING IM ABNORMAL?
CARLY: DO I TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!
NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND THIS PIPE
SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CANT BELIEVE IN CHARGE OF ME.
SPENCER: PLEASE HELP ME UP.
HELPS SPENCER UP.
CARLY: ARE YOU
SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC.
FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP.
SPENCER: YEP! FIXED HER.
CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR.
SHOOT.
CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA.
I WOULD
AWESOME!
THOUGH, I CANT.
CARLY: WHY
SPENCER STARTS AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL.
I MADE IT INTO A SQUIRREL.

SCENE FOUR PART 1 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF MY GOD!
CARLY IS BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP.
MORNING, CARLY.
SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY UP.
FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY
CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. IS ALL THIS?
FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF!
SAM!
FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE.
FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I KNOW THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
BARELY.
OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP YOUR OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER?
FREDDIE: OH, SURE. ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA!
SAM OVER TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
SAM: WILL NEVER LOVE YOU
FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM HOME.
FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA.
(IN A SWEET VOICE) PLEASE STAY!
FREDDIE HIS CAMERA DOWN.
OKAY.
SCENE PART 2 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE.
HEY, JEB. READY TO AUDITION?
JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH CALLED LE U E MAPHEME.
OKAY
CARLY: WE DONT KNOW THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING?
TURNS ON HIS CAMERA.
ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO?
JEB PUTS A ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF.
JEB: WHEN WILL SHE BE
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
JEB: I KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF.
JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I FIND
JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON.
I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE.
WHAT YA THINK?
CARLY: I KNOW!
YOU DONT KNOW?
CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
SAM: BUT YOU KNOW!
CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW?
SAM: I KNOW.
SCENE FOUR 3 AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP.
FOUR PART 4 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE ARE DISGUSTED.
SCENE PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM
OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
TARAN: I WILL BE THIS TRUMPET.
COOL.
NICE.
TARAN: WHILE ON THIS POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
NICE!
CARLY: NOW THATS IM TALKING ABOUT!
JUMP AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE FOUR PART 6 ROOM
OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE.
THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING.
THATS NOT FUNNY.
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM WALKS OVER TO THE STAGE AND STANDS UP.
SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
FREDDIE CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY.
SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP THOSE?
CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN TO SEE.
OOH! ELEVEN?
CARLY: DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 ROOM
SCENE WITH KID RAPPING HORRIBLY.
AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE APARTMENT AT NIGHT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. WAKES UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, WAKE UP!
CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS.
SAM: TIME IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. YOURE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP?
SAM: SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO THE NIGHT.
I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT!
SAM: YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE AND STARTS TYPING.
SAM: WHATCHA
CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE.
I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON?
(YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER PURSE
CARLY: SHUT UP AND LOOK AT THIS!
SAM WALKS OVER TO AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: WHAT? DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS?
NO. HE UPLOADED US!
SAM:
LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS.
THATS US!
CARLY: IS!
SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY!
LOOKS SCARED.
CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER POINTY BOOBS!
SAM: WHOA! IF SHE THAT
ANYONE CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE.
OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT.
OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM?
SAM:
CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000!
SAM OUT OF CHAIR.